Getting Started
I was always a pretty beefy kid but after my Dad passed I packed on serious weight and was tipping the scales at 330 pounds, or 150kg. For clothes, I needed a specialty shop, a tremendous embarrassment I avoided whenever possible. I never went anywhere near a scale, or looked at myself in the mirror, and this helped me tell stories about myself. I wasn’t fat; I was strong. Incredibly strong, always had been.
But I saw myself anyway in the faces of other people, in the unkind comments they made, in condescending and unasked-for advice from skinny bosses. Such comments always set me back for days, retreating to booze, food, and books about wizards.
One day I faced the shame, put on my sweatpants and ran 200 meters. That’s as far as I could go. I remember that first run vividly—when I stopped, panting, steaming, and projectile-sweating, still in view of my apartment. A car packed with hooligans drove past; one tossed a can, hosing me with warm beer. Amidst howls of laughter, one yelled “Fatty!” Another shouted advice, “Go for a run!”
Devastated in a puddle of warm beer. I’d finally mustered the courage to try to make a positive habit, and the universe responded with morale-shattering shittiness. The 200-meter walk back to the apartment was a marathon; my slumped shoulders sagged nearly to the ground. Thinking about the thousands of hours of pain, labour and humiliations that awaited me as I tried to get in shape was enough to make me want to mop my tears with slices of pizza.
I had to change my thinking to move forward. I had to decide I was on a quest.
Like any would-be hero, I must begin with small challenges, gain levels, collect experience and knowledge, get some powerful equipment, and eventually reap the rewards. If you, like me, have difficulty getting started on your workout regime, armour yourself in excuses, or are discouraged by the sheer distance you must travel, listen closely. You are not out of shape. You are on a quest.
Your first monster! This marvelous beast was imagined and drawn by the incredibly talented Marlene Andersson. See her portfolio here.
Hail, friend, and be welcome. Pull up a seat at this long bench and let me stuff your pockets with gold, or at least your ears with knowledge about making your body fitter, stronger, and faster. Look up and down the bench at the other would-be heroes. The quest is long but you are not alone. See how we all detest ourselves: ugly elbows, too fat, a mole, too much hair, weak arms, too skinny, not hairy enough, strange genitals, too scrawny, too wrinkly, too baggy, bent nose, too many chins, too sweaty, too gassy, too unlovable.
I have plenty of battle-scars from this journey but I’m never going to shame you or say you’re not good enough the way you are. Improving your body is a long, difficult path and these first few workouts won’t make a major impact on your physique, but they might change your mind. You will outgrow your stories and get more honest with yourself as you take the first steps.
“You are not out of shape. You are on a quest.”
The foes are numerous and hideous. Shame, grief, and fear plague our footsteps but we cannot strike these enemies until we embody them. Thus, I have created a system of monsters for you to battle as you progress from a feeble goblin hunter to a mighty slayer of dragons. More practically, I will provide progressively difficult workouts, with explanations and hyperlinks so you can see how the moves work.
In the breezy language of those fantasy books I read when I was scared to face the world, the hero always slays the monster. But perhaps you, gentle person, would prefer to hug your monster. Face it—hugging a fearsome beast is just as courageous as killing it, perhaps more so. Pacifist, I salute you.
It is possible to shape our bodies so they serve us faithfully and generate the love and esteem you deserve. If you’ve spent so much time at the keyboard that your spine looks like a letter C, if you’ve gained weight during quarantine and exploded from your pants, if you’ve dislocated your shoulder carrying the groceries, I can help you. But you might want to check with your doctor before beginning your fitness journey—she’ll probably say it’s a great idea.
We can improve our physiques and reach our potential for health, beauty, strength, and fitness. Somewhere on the quest you will learn to listen to your body. You might even learn to love it.
Here’s the plan. And a resource for building positive habits.
Hey, maybe you’ve already slain your goblins and orcs and moved on to bigger mythical game – that’s fantastic. But don’t leave your buddies in the dust. We’ll start from the feeblest monster and work our way up; we’ll need to foster a strong team to tackle those higher-level beasts. Each post I’ll build the complexity and sophistication of the workouts until I eventually catch up with you, superstar. In the meantime, enjoy the story.
The hero’s journey begins with humility—you must slay a goblin. Although you have sometimes boasted to your friends in the tavern that you slayed a dragon last summer, the details are so slippery that none of your friends buy it. Face it—you’re level one. You had a few chances to practice swords with the prince’s guards but you always skipped out to drink gourds of wine by the river. And now Greybeard the village elder puts a wooden sword in your hand, and gives you your first quest. A goblin is plaguing the village’s grain storage. Of course, Greybeard is no fool. He knows a mere goblin is no match for a full-grown human, even one with a wooden sword. This quest is the lowest unit of effort, a mere flexing of your will, to go into that dank cellar and give the beast what for.
You descend into the dark, and the sacks of grain have been chewed open and the goblin has shat in the barley. This is not a heroic goblin, with red eyes that blaze from the shadows, nor do dagger-teeth fill its maw. It’s a small, green-tinted creature with long fingers, wearing shoes on the wrong feet, its gut packed with stolen grain. Notorious cowards, a goblin will strike only when your back is turned, attacking with rusty weapons to whittle your health.
Still.
You arrive on the bottom step, torch in one hand, wooden sword in the other, and you cross eyes with the goblin, where it skulks under a beer barrel. And you feel fear.
The following workouts are not intended as a challenge to your body. They are challenges to your will. Do you have the courage to look honestly at your body, and take the smallest step forward, expend the tiniest amount of effort to improve your flesh prison? And once you’ve slain the goblin, can you continue to do so a few times a week, with the goal of sustaining a regular workout regime? Even if you do one pushup, a single pushup from your knees, for five days in a row, the habit will imprint. Your self-talk will improve. Your confidence will increase. You are someone who makes good habits.
Basic workout #1. Difficulty level: goblin
Basic workout #2. Difficulty level: goblin
run 10 minutes
Basic Workout #3. Difficulty level: goblin
I will be here to help and guide you as we move from goblin to dragon. If you have any specific exercises or topics you’d like me to deal with, or if there are any blogs or resources about the body, about shame, that you think I should check out, please let me know.
Don’t be confused. If you are stuck in a rut, in a habit of self-deception, of brutal denial, then nothing is ever going to scare you as much as that puny goblin, even if you fulfill the prophecy, become the great hero foretold in legend, and challenge the dragon in its cavern of brimstone. This step—the first goblin—is the hardest. The rest is just momentum.
Your excuses are nibbling your grain supply, eroding your health, and they’re breeding. Remember it all gets easier from here. It’s OK if the sword trembles. Steel yourself. Take the smallest possible step. I believe in you completely.